


Lieber...

by traumschwinge



Category: X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe, Letters, M/M, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-22
Updated: 2014-02-22
Packaged: 2018-01-13 07:10:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1217206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/traumschwinge/pseuds/traumschwinge
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Long years have passed, since Erik had walked out of Charles' life.  Not as many have passed since he had realized that he finally should give up hope on Erik. However, he never had any closure and that's all he wants now. So when he gets hold of Erik's address, he writes a letter, asking for, if not an explanation, at least closure.</p><p>In short: A letter and it's answer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Be warned that I'm not one for happy endings. This work is complete as it is.

Dear Erik,

 

it's been years and yet, I still wonder. Why did you leave me? On the bad days, when I remember that I still hurt from your leaving, I'm telling myself that it would hurt less if only I knew. On good days, I don't even think about you.

Don't get me wrong, my friend. I don't still think of you all the time as I used to. It would be a lie, even If I said I think of you every week. But there are times and situations when I remember little things about you. There are nights when I miss you and other nights I hate you for leaving me.

~~I always loved you, come back to me.~~

I never understood why you left me. I'd never seen it coming. To me, what we had had been for the rest of our lives. I used to think you felt the same. I only understood that you didn't after you had disappeared out of my life. No, that's a lie. I only understood it when I realized that you wouldn't come back to me, not tomorrow, not in a month, not ever.

Now I know you won't but I still can't understand it. ~~Do you hate me?~~ You never told me anything that indicated that we had troubles. The morning when you left, you told me you loved me. You made me feel like this was true, that I meant something to you, maybe even more than anyone else. You also said you'd see me that evening.

I waited for you to come back, you know? I was worried sick at first. But I told myself that you were all right, it wasn't the first time you forgot time while working on something important. I wonder if you still can focus on a single task like that. It's silly that I used to be a little envious of your work at times like that. I never was the only thing you had in mind while you were around me, I could tell.

After a few days, I asked some of our mutual friends about you. They told me you were fine, that they'd seen you not long ago. ~~And yet you didn't answer even one of my calls.~~ You had changed your number in less than a week.

I'd lie if I said I wrote this because I want you back by my side. I know we had rough times and I still remember us fighting and all the times I cursed the day we met while being physical so close to you I could feel your breath against my neck. But it would be just as much of I lie if I said I wish I never knew you, because of all the bright days I remember, all the nights you were my only comfort and I was yours.

I still remember every kiss. Every fight. Every tearful parting. Every walk at night out in the cold because I was angry with you. Every time I waited for you back home because it had been you who'd needed to cool his head first. I remember every time you swept me off my feet. But I remember every time you brought me to tears just as well.

My dear friend, I don't want you back as we were before. I doubt I even want you back in my life. I want to know you're well. It would bring me peace at night when I can't help but to wonder what became of you. If you're well, I can tell that you don't need me to be happy. If you're well, I know you made the right choice for yourself. Though I still don't understand.

I don't want you back. This is what I tell myself every time I want to ask someone about your life or for your number. I never do in the end. If I was needed, you would come back. You never came, that's how I know you're better off now. I wonder if you feel like I used to weight you down. Was I a burden? I must have been more than that, good and bad, or you wouldn't have bothered with me in the first place.

Why did you leave?

If you would come back now, I wouldn't turn you down. ~~I still love you.~~ You have always been important to me. I'd never send you off if you needed me, my help, someone to listen to you or a shoulder to cry on. You never cried. Not in front of me anyway. I wonder if you know the lonely nights when every shadow is too cold and no bed warm enough for comfort. Back then, when I knew you, I think you did. Has this changed, I wonder? Are you a happy person now? ~~I'll never forget you peaceful smile when you were perfectly at ease.~~

I don't want you by my side as I used to. I don't want you back. There's too much pain waiting down that rocky road and by now I know it never worked. It never will work out between us. Neither of us can abandon who he is without fundamentally changing the person who he was. I want you to be yourself, to stay that person I love ~~d~~. I would want you at my back, to be able to lean onto when I can't go on on my own. I would want you, if I trusted you. I think I could, I would, if I only knew why you left.

I want to know why, Erik. Why did you leave and why didn't you tell me so. Was it too much to ask you to give me at least closure, if you don't want me to give me anything more? Is it still too much to ask? I don't care for you not to love me anymore but I need to know. I think it's time to move on but to do that I need you to tell me it's over. You never did. You just left. Tell me, Erik, is it over?

 

I don't expect you to answer. ~~I don't even think you will read to this point.~~

 

Charles Xavier  


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Charles,

As you wrote in your letter. It never worked between us. And it never will work. I understood that a long time ago, even before I left. I didn't want it to be true at first. I was too much in love with you. But after a while I couldn't go on like we had. I needed a clean break from you. Far too often, I had fallen for your promises that everything would work out in the end. It didn't. It won't. It doesn't.

You and I, we were never supposed to be together.

I hope you understand this, Charles. I love you. But right from the start, we should have known that we shouldn't be together. We had been in too deep before we even started thinking about it. I regret this, just as I'm sure you're regretting this as well. I never meant to hurt you. When I realized that it wasn't possible for me to go on, it was too late to get out without hurting you.

Charles, how many times have I told you that I didn't want to continue like we had back then. But you never wanted to listen, you always told me to be more patient, to give everyone more time. I have to ask you, how much more time should I have given them, us? Hadn't three years been enough.

I told you that I didn't want to hide anymore. I didn't want you to ask for the obvious decision. I knew you wouldn't have been able to make that decision. So I made it for you and came to the result that wouldn't end with you hating me. Or at least, I wouldn't have to face that fact every day for the rest of my life if you did hate me. This way, you still have your family, your friends. The other way, well, the way I see it, neither of us would have anything left.

Your friends never liked me. I tried to like them. I tried to understand them. For you, I wanted to see things from their point of view. Let's face it, this had never been one of my strong suits. I remember the times we fought about that. Do you, Charles? I couldn't understand how they could be your friends and still hate me. I thought I made you happy. I'd never seen me as a bad influence with how you suddenly started to smile whenever you noticed me. Yes, Charles, I saw this, and much more, and I still remember and cherish these memories of you. You're all that's good in me.

Is Raven proud of herself that I did prove her right in the end? I broke your heart, just like she'd always said. Never mind that she helped. But you never wanted to see that, did you? You were always so utterly firm in the belief that every single thing in the world would work out the way you wanted it to, given only time. It never occurred to you that you could be wrong.

You asked why I left you? It wasn't that I wanted to leave you. Understand this, if nothing else. It was never my intention to hurt you, nor did I want to leave you. However, I think I made the right decision when I left. I never looked back with regrets to that day. You might call me cruel for this. I believe, though, that I spared you far more grief. Had I stayed, no matter how much longer, we would have fought even more. We already fought every other time we met. And, you may forgive me if I'm wrong, we met far less than we used to as well.

I left because I couldn't go on. Every other person of importance in you life hated and distrusted me. How many times didn't you want to go out with me in case somebody might have seen us together and asked the wrong questions. How many times have you told me not to tell anyone about us. The number of either of those is far greater than the number of times you introduced me anywhere as your partner or boyfriend. In fact, the times you did the latter I could count off on one hand.

I don't even know how we made it that far. Had we been so madly in love we couldn't see the world around us when we had been together? I sometimes wonder if you ever saw it. When I'm mad at you for forcing my hand like that I tell myself that you even liked it, the thrill of having a secret boyfriend that would scandalize everyone you knew. It's not a nice thing to say of you. I know it isn't true. But it never was an easy decision for me to leave you. It's easier if I can hate you sometimes.

I sometimes regret not wishing you farewell before I left. I never did for the fear that you might be able to change my mind. I was a coward who thought he couldn't follow through with his decision if confronted with the consequences. Not when the consequences were to see you hurt and possibly even angry, all because of me.

I do hope, however, that years have diminished our feelings. I do not wish you any new hurt upon all the old I caused you. So with this letter, I want to gift you the one thing you asked me for. Closure.

When I left you, I left for good. Nothing will change that. I'm never coming back to you. ~~I still, and always will, love you, Charles.~~

I hope you're happy now. Do know that I wish you all the luck in the world. God knows you deserve it. I wish you that you have moved on and if you hadn't been able to, that you will do so now. As I myself have moved on long ago.

  
  


Good-bye, Charles. I'm aware I should have said this a long time ago.

  
  


Best regards, I truly mean it.

Erik Lehnsherr

  
  


P.S.: Don't write me ever again. All letters will be fed to the fire unopened.

 


End file.
